I feel like a yo-yo lately. One day I’m on top of the world, the next I don’t want to get out of bed. The days of not wanting to get out of bed are getting fewer and fewer, though. And I don’t stay in bed -eventually I get up and go out and do things. I talk to people and exercise and do some work. I find things to eat and go shopping when I need to. I do some crafts and clean up my apartment now and then. I’m functional. I’m just not back to 100% efficiency. I’m not turning out product after product or getting things done way before the deadline. I’m taking time to think and reflect.
I’ve decided I’m not allowed to drink alone anymore after what happened the other night. I’m a little ashamed. I didn’t mean to get drunk, but I’ve lost a lot of weight so alcohol effects me a little stronger than it use to. I started drinking because I was happy, but then as I drank I became sadder and sadder and a little mad and I ended up texting my ex (I know his number by heart so even though he’s out of my contact list, I still know how to contact him). Nothing crazy or loony drunk – just “the rum says hiiiiiiiiii.” I woke up cuddling my phone. He never responded, which makes me feel somewhat relieved. I hope he just smiled, deleted the message, and stuck the phone back in his pocket. The last time we talked he told me to do whatever I thought I should do when I wanted. So … I was drunk and lonely and wanted to text him hello so I did. I feel like that shows I’m weak and pathetic, but SCREW IT! I ain’t a stoic marble statue here. Of all the things I could be doing, I think what I did was highly benign.
Overall, I am moving forward, day by day. I’m learning things about myself. I’m enjoying the sun on my face and the wind on my cheeks. I’ve been skiing and swimming and dancing, reconnecting with old friends, making new ones… setting new goals to reach and new places to visit. I guess I’m finally allowing myself to have opinions and tell people what I think or believe in. For a long time I didn’t want to be seen as the shadow of my ex, so even if I held the same ideas or beliefs, I didn’t talk much. Funnily, I didn’t see it at the time but that made me more of the shadow.
And then I get mad at the way things were left and disappointed. But then I talk to more people and find that I actually have a much bigger heart than that. I find myself forgiving and understanding. I find myself wanting to be a lot more vindictive than I really am. I try to say something villainous about my ex and then just laugh because it’s so not the case.
I’d like a little closure, I guess, though. Just to see him and go “oh, ok! we are over!” so then I really can go about my life. Right now I’m hesitant and afraid and worried that I am letting something special go. That I’m not fighting hard enough. But then I realize, I did all I could. It’s not in my hands anymore. It’s just … it all came to an end so quick after such a long time. I just want to look him square in the eye and ask again, now the dust has settled, “are you certain?” But I guess I will have to take that fantasy to bed with me, because, in reality, that’s not ever going to happen. I’m going to have to settle for living with regrets and “what ifs” and loose ends which will probably make my life run a whole lot bumpier down the road. Awkward meetings. Unsettling feelings that will rise up in my heart when I hear he’s getting married or having a child. Learning to love and trust all over again. Trying to find someone else I feel that special connection with – that I want to jump on and kiss and tell them all about things I’ve seen or done and go on adventures with and cook with! Sigh. I don’t get it. I want to sit back and go “oooooh, yes, it was a terrible relationship! we didn’t understand or care about each other! he treated me terribly! I’m glad to be out of it! Good riddance!” But … 1) it wasn’t, 2) we did, 3) not on purpose, 4) no, and 5) no.
Having a relationship is very important to me. I think since I was in 3rd grade I wanted a boyfriend. My parents love each other so deeply – even though they share hardly anything in common. I look up to that. I looked up to my grandparents and my aunts and uncles. I was exposed to such strong and caring relationships when I was little. It seems such a wonderful thing to have someone to share all these moments with, to have someone to trust with your deepest desires and secrets, to have someone to snuggle in beside at night and wake up in the morning next to. It’s not that I HAVE to have it, but I WANT it. I want to share life with someone else, intimately and closely.
I think my favorite breakup quote that I’ve come across during this experience is: “Time will tell or time will heal.”
threemonthsofme 