This is what happened to me…

I had almost forgotten I had started this blog until yesterday when I received a message that I had a post from Seasweetie.  I was like “threemonthsofme? why does that sound familiar?  Oh!!!!!!!!”  And I thought, well, maybe I shouldn’t leave this storyline hanging……….

This is what happened to me: Just Friend and I decided to remain Just Friends – and I stopped the random hooking up between the two of us, and that worked out just fine.  Shortly after stopping blogging, I discovered that my Ex had started to date the 20 year old that we use to fight about all the time — the one he claimed was “his little sister” (how gross is THAT?) and the one that claimed “he wasn’t her type.”  Like I hadn’t seen THAT coming.  That hurt but at least it reconfirmed I wasn’t crazy.  I had to see the Ex in August at a mutual friend’s wedding at basically the place we had grown up together.  I dreaded and dreaded going but my friends made me look like a million bucks, and I went looking amazing and had a great time.  I only had two small encounters with the Ex, which was fine with me.  The first thing he said to me?  It wasn’t “hello, how are you?” – I was talking about having had passed my candidacy to friends and he was sitting close by.  It wasn’t “congratulations! that’s a big step! I’m proud of you!”  It was “so and so said that x on your committee was a bitch to you.”  I just looked at him coldly and replied “yes, she was a little unprofessional,” and continued my conversation with the others.  While everyone was dancing and laughing, he wandered off into the darkness by himself to play his mandolin.  He looked pathetic, and I almost ALMOST felt bad for him.

The next day, I was going for a walk, and I turned the corner of a building as he was exiting, and we came face to face with nothing to hide behind.  I said “Hey, how’s it going,” and he said “ok…I miss you.” and I said “I miss you too,” and he stuck out his hand for a hand shake?!?!  I rolled my eyes and hugged him.  He hung on an extra couple seconds too long.  I noticed he was wearing a shirt I had given him and a necklace I had made…  what the?  I told him to take care and went for a long walk in the woods.  I cried a little until I got to a high point on the ridge, turned my phone on, and found it was filled with messages telling me that I was wonderful and all my friends were thinking of me and hoping everything went okay.  And then I went back and joined the table for breakfast, sitting right down by the ex, and the table reminisced about old times.  And that was that.

August was the first and last interaction I had with my ex , until I sent him an email in the beginning of February to say some things I needed to in order to move on.  I told him I was doing really well, had conquered my depression, thanked him for our time together, and wished things hadn’t ended so sourly between the two of us.  I said I would be more than willing to be able to talk again but I wasn’t expecting anything.  He wrote back a little email saying he appreciated the note, felt similarly, and how he was “still figuring things out” but maybe we could talk in the future but he was soooo busy.

That said…  I started online dating to meet some new people.  I am at an amazing point in my life where I am excited about my research, I have great friends, fun hobbies, and I’ve conquered my depression AND began serious re-routing on the mental defenses I had built up overtime.  I now enjoy life.  I smile every day!  My Ex was always belittling me and my abilities (maybe because he was jealous?), and because I was suffering from years of untreated clinical depression, I wasn’t able to stand up for myself or shine, and had started to believe that I wasn’t smart or beautiful or fun or creative.  I’m not saying he wasn’t a great friend as well and that we didn’t have wonderful times together – we did.  It was just the majority of the relationship was unhealthy. I don’t think either of us realized it; I’m sure he wasn’t hurting me on purpose, and I was too in love with him to see that the thing he said or did hurt me.  He is definitely at a different point in his life and has a lot to learn about himself still — especially about how to treat others.  I do not envy the girl he is with now in the least.  I can’t believe he hopped right into another relationship without taking time to figure himself out.

I, on the otherhand, after good year and half of having been single, decided to test the waters and made an online dating account thanks the encouragement of one of my very best friends.  I was thinking that I would try it and probably wouldn’t find anyone for … maybe ever? but that it would be good experience to get back out there.  So, I went on a few dates, and BAM! I meet FarmBoy within two weeks of opening my account.  We are approaching two months together now and head over heels in love.  FarmBoy makes me feel like a goddess and is teaching me what it feels like to be cherished and appreciated.  I have already received in seven weeks more flowers and compliments and amazing AMAZING orgasms then I ever did in seven years with my Ex.  And the best thing about FarmBoy?  I’m equally passionate about him.  He’s handsome and smart and modest and talented and playful and creative and funny and at the very same point in life that I am — in terms of knowing what he wants from a relationship and his goals for the future.  We are having a blast together.

So, that, Seasweetie, is what happened to me!


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I’m taking a bon-e-fide vacation!! Right now, I’m chilling in an airport (literally, it’s really cold in here) and decided I should write to kill the time until my connecting flight.

Life has been returning to a more stable state. Emotional ups and downs hit occasionally, like with the passing of the Ex’s birthday. But on the whole, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and often mind myself remarking  ‘I love my life.’  I miss one of my closest friends who moved away in January and I wish I had indespensible time and funds. I hate having to make choices on who to visit and where to put my funds.

But this current trip I’m taking is important to me as it’s probably the last chance I will get to see this area and the people my friend has befriended there as she is graduating and blows with the wind.  Who knows what crazy place she will be in next. I am so excited. I think it’s been a whole year? since we’ve seen each other in person. I’m proud of myself as I’ve managed to keep such a close friendship with her over the last four years.

Just Friend and I have been seeing each other once or twice a week at least. We had this amazing night this past week.  The two of us went out for drinks and talked and laughed and sang some bar tunes together. We went back to his place and cuddled. He turned on his lava lamp (I think his funny belongings are too cute) and listened to a play list he had made. I teased him … and then pleased him. Sometimes I wonder if I’m wierd because I can get off by just pleasuring someone else, and many times I dont want anything at all in return. As the playlist looped around, I decided to take off for the night. Just Friend lay in his pillows, smiling like a king. Our hands drifted apart as I got up, fingertips brushing fingertips… And I went home and had an amazing sleep, my furry warrior guarding my side.

Just Friend is there for me. He’s sweet. He’s funny. Our relationship isn’t serious. It’s playful and when things happen, it’s nice, but nothing is expected. I’m enjoying it.

I board soon! I need, to be better at writing.

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“Wow! I can’t get enough of your tight-fitted wide-angle adaptor!”

I have no idea how to talk dirty.  Talking dirty was not something that my ex and I did.  That wasn’t the ex’s thing.  So when Just Friend requested this in a super sexy accent and sparkle in his eye, I have to admit, I just stared dumbly at him.  “Er…  Um…?  I like your cock?”

Being a scientist, I did some research on the topic shortly after the incident.  There is like common place dirty talk: “harder,” “you’re so big,” “you make me so wet,” etc.  There seems to be people who recommend more complex descriptions.  Some claim it doesn’t matter what you say it’s how you say it.  There are 101 fake looking websites dedicated to selling you books on the topic that look incredibly sketch.  Hmmm…

I found this video particular hilarious: (and actually some what helpful – o, ask a question!).  I don’t know.  I’m not naturally gifted with improv words off the tip of my tongue.  If I’m out of range of a piece of paper or keyboard, I tend to get a little nervous about verbalizing my thoughts.  And when I’m in the mood, there is usually a loss of coherency in the logic and word section.  I’m afraid I might say a Spoonerism or something: “I love the way you skeel against my fin.”  Damn it!  What if I throw in a term that’s totally not sexy, like … “I wanna lick you from your toes to your xiphoid process.”  Damn it again!   Talking dirty intimidates me…  Of all the things to be intimidated of…

Anyway, that was just a thought that has been on my mind.  Life has been rather hectic lately, so writing hasn’t been a priority.  Rushing to meet deadlines, helping people out with projects, paying bills, making baby quilts, failing with my own work, battling drug allergies and popping in and out of pharmacies and doctor offices, fighting with my crazy cat, and seeing friends in the rare moments I can come up for air.

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You can get anything you want … and more …

I take a deep breath.  Stretch.  I’m just got off my loveseat, where I was curled so happily up with my little fuzzy man (who just knocked my drying rack over, complete with all that were on it…), digesting a great meal, digesting the end of an incredibly stressful past few weeks.  Time to let a few thoughts out.

Thursday was a big day for me.  I had an enormous presentation to give, a test that would decide the next few years of my life and my future career options…  It went terribly.  It was the worst performance I’ve ever given.  I stumbled over words, stared blankly when asked questions, repeated myself over and over, and then was told that I didn’t know how to write a proposal or make a presentation.  Ugh.  And, yet, they passed me: with the exception I need to add more to my proposal within the next two weeks.  All my friends and family said “Congratulations! We’re so proud!” But passing didn’t feel like a good thing.

I did not feel proud.  I felt ultra depressed, like I was just being pushed through the system, and I hadn’t really been worthy of passing.  Maybe I am a horrible presenter and writer (despite all my past successes I’ve had).  I know a lot of the mean things said by one individual to me may have been spurred by politics withing the group I was presenting to, but still I cried on my walk home.  I finally understand the term “tears welled up in her eyes.”  Blink, blink, blink, blink.  Then I saw the ex’s bike.  The person I use to share everything with – my best friend of the past seven years, who didn’t even know I had this exam or that I had just passed this exam.

Thoughts race: “What the fuck did the last 7 years mean to you, asshole?  Was it just for sex?  Do you not care at all about me as a person?  What did I do to have you block me from your life?  Do you think you are protecting me like this?  Are you absurdly guilty? (part of me hopes you are)  Your silence is just making me lose what little faith I have left about the person that I think you are.”  Blink, blink, blink, splash…  I went home and worked a baby quilt for a friend.  I finished it yesterday and am very proud of that, at least.

Ended the week well, however.  Lovely dinner with friends last night, and then a movie at Just Friend’s place that took my mind off of all events and made me feel a whole lot better about how awkward I am.  I spent the night cuddled up in his arms.  It was the first time either of us could really relax as all impending deadlines had been lifted for both of us.  So we slept and slept and slept, and didn’t set an alarm.  Got up reaaaaaaaallllllyyyyy late, and decided to have late brunch at the diner next store.

Which brings me to the title of the post.

“Walk right in, it’s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant.”

Only, it’s not.  There’s a front entrance, and I have no idea how close the nearest rail is anymore.  And it’s not called Alice’s.  But is a diner, and they do have a good selection.

So brunch.  Nasty, greasy diner food to hit the spot after a long, stressful week.  Me sitting across from Just Friend with a smile and shiny eyes.  Him with whipped cream on his nose from his hot chocolate.  We eat and laugh and talk, and then … who the fuck walks through the door…  “You can get anything you want…” and things you DONT want, apparently.  I dive behind the booth partition.  WHAT THE HELL.  Just Friend raises an eyebrow, and I explain that my ex just walked in.

Entrance blocked.

So, Just Friend suggests I get more coffee and maybe we stay a bit longer.  Share a banana split.  He keeps me smiling and laughing, but I can hear my ex’s loud voice and raucous laugh, and if I lean just this way … I can see his face through the booth partition lattice.  GRR.  I start to seethe.  And then start hucking creamer and jelly packets at Just Friend, because he suggested that I do that instead of huck them at the ex.  What the hell?!  I repeat: what the hell?  There are 100’s of restaurants in this area.  Why this one?  Why at this random hour?  Why when I’m having a great time?  Why always when he’s the last thing from my mind?  I hate that the reminder of him brings out these feelings.  I just want to be like: “C’est La Vie” – smile and wave and carry on, but I am still hurting and angry at him for the self-centered, hurtful way in which he ended our relationship.  So cowardly and emotionally withdrawn.  I understand people aren’t at their best when they are hurting or upset, but, seriously … people can be that bad??

I’m not sure he saw me.  I don’t care if he did.  If he did, I hope it made him feel uncomfortable.  The ex and his group left before we did.  When we left, I managed to get into my car, have the ex pull out in front of me when I turned the corner, and followed his stupid car half way home.  For the record: hate you, one way streets.

But, whatever.  I’m going to go get cutiesied up, get some free beer, and then go out with Just Friend and other friends to a show tonight at a cafe.  Just Friend knows the singer.  It should be good.

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Feeling human again

Last night, I got into bed at 9 pm.  I just wanted my day to end.  I closed my eyes.  My phone rang.  Just Friend calling.

“What are you up to tonight?  Let me read minds, you said this afternoon that you were relaxing so you were hoping to come over and spend the night with me.”

I swear, I’m not making this up.  As I asked before in a previous post: “When did my life become a bad TV romance?”

Me: [Awkward laugh] Well, no but … I mean …
Him: (something along the lines of…)  Oh, wait, no that’s just me hoping you will come over and join me tonight.
Me: Ahhhhhh, well, yes, I’d like that.
Him: Everything all right?  You sound hesitant.
Me: No, it’s just … well, I’m not feeling 100% tonight.
Him: That’s okay.  We all have those days. Come over anyway.

So, I did.  And he could tell I was “out of sorts” as soon as he saw me.  But he didn’t mind.  He talked a little.  I talked a lot less.  He showed me a computer game he was playing. We marveled over the graphics.  Then he held me and kissed me.  He didn’t try to fix my problems or make me talk about what was on my mind.  It was wonderfully refreshing: just to be me and not have someone trying to analyze my mental quirks (which always made me feel worse about my imbalances).  I started to smile. Eventually I told him a little what was going on with my moodiness. Only a little.  But just enough. That I was very tired.

Just Friend was still wide awake, however, so I snuggled into his bed while he decided to wind down by playing another game with beautiful graphics in the background.  I fell asleep listening to him describing how the game worked and what his character was doing in his ridiculously cute accent.

Today, I’m smiling.  Slight melancholy, but not depressed.  I really appreciated having someone to be with last night.  I know that this is not permanent, but, then, what is in the end?  I’m enjoying what I have when I have it.

Came home to an amorous cat early this morning.  That was delightful as well.  Snuggles and purrs and little kitty nuzzles to warm up the gray, gray day.   Life is a funny little place.

Now, off to find soup!





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The Darkness

The Darkness still finds me from time to time, even on antidepressants.  It follows its path and comes when my hormones surge once a month.  I think it’s harder to deal with now, now that I’ve started to know what it’s like to live without it.  I feel myself sinking into the dark shadows of my mind.  I can think “Ugh, I’m depressed.”  But it doesn’t make it better.

Today was one of those days.  I feel blah.  I feel down.  And I shouldn’t.  I finished a huge presentation that I have to give Thursday and gave a run through: falling perfectly into the allotted time.  I got the last cheese danish at the library cafe.  And it was free cone day!  And I didn’t even have to go stand in line alone.  Just Friend joined me. I got invited out Saturday night by a friend while eating said free cone.  I took the afternoon off to relax and catch up on chores.  The evening: crafting with my ladies and a couple glasses of wine.  I mean, what is there not to like about this day?

But all day … in the recesses of my soul: The Darkness.  I’m not good enough.  I’m just being used for the things I can contribute – not who I am.  I’m ugly.  I don’t know what to make of my breakup.  I miss my ex.  I’m angry and sad at our breakup and the loss of his friendship.  But maybe he was never my friend.  Maybe I did something stupid and I’m to blame.  Ugh, I’m worthless.  My work isn’t good enough.  People laugh at me behind my back.  What a waste of space and time.  I want to call someone.  But I don’t because I don’t want to plague people with my neediness and have them see me like this.  Ugly, stupid, listening to these falsities.  But they aren’t falsities when I’m like this.  It’s all very real.

Living with depression sucks.  It sucks even more when you become cognitive of the fact you have depression.

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We’re just friends…

“You two should talk like adult about what your relationship is.  Set up boundaries.  Know what the other expects.  How long is this going to go on for?  Or else someone is going to get hurt.”

“In my experience, people that enter into “no string” relationships find that strings quickly develop.”

“I say it’s better to know that everyone is on the same page.”

I know, I know.

I know.

But I don’t wanna.  I don’t wanna to talk about it.  So, I’m avoiding the topic.  Mainly because I don’t want to hear the answer.

This is so worth the impending heart ache.

We’re just friends… who enjoy physical touch from each other.  And cuddling in the morning and catching a bite to eat or a cup of coffee to talk about what’s going on, laugh at the music we hear on the radio, share apps, stories about “when I was in (x  country/location),” make each other laugh with stupid jokes, and talk science.  We’re just friends … with strong sexual chemistry.  We might have spent the last three consecutive nights with each other.  I might find him ridiculously cute and funny.  He might make it a point to say “thank you” to me after getting him off.  (I might laugh inwardly every time he does… too freakin’ cute.)  He might have worn boxers last night which said across the fly “I’m Jewish … wanna check?”

I know very little about Judaism, having been born and raised in a rather remote area with a predominantly Christian heritage.  My ex was from a secular household, so I have little intimate experience with men from different religious backgrounds.  Well, in this case – it’s not so much religious, as he’s an atheist, but “culturally” Jewish.  It’s neat.  I like learning about different cultures.  He observes holidays and doesn’t eat pork.  It’s a bit hilarious, since my favorite animal when I was little was the pig, so, throughout my life, people have learned this and given me a whole number of pig related items – calendars, figurines, stuffed animals, pictures of pigs, shirts with pigs on them, piggy banks … I even have piggy shorts.  One of the first times — I’ll call him “Just Friend” — entered my apartment he said “this place is so not kosher.”  I wonder if my love of pigs is a deal breaker.

I find myself becoming more and more attracted to Just Friend.  He’s got such a nice grin and a fabulous sense of humor.  Just Friend is tall and skinny, weighs about 20 lbs less than I do; nothing like any man I’ve ever been attracted to.  But there’s something about him that makes me tingly.  I like his big features (aaa-hahhahaha) and lanky build.  He’s surprising strong and exceptional agile.  The passion and attention to detail in bed is awesome.

We’ve talked about hoping that each other would “find someone right.”  Just Friend thinks “there’s a difference between someone who’s good for you and someone who’s right for you.”  He said he’s “good” for me, but not “right.”  I’m not sure what that means, but I get the idea from that, that he’s interested in me for mostly a physical relationship.  But he’s so polite and fun to be with, that I find myself not minding that much.  It’s refreshing to be treated with kindness by a guy for once, even if it is for booty.  Plus, I mean, I’d be lying if I said I was “being taken advantage of” as I am definitely getting my fair share.

So, errrg, don’t want to have that talk.  Don’t even know if I want more/less then what I have now with Just Friend.  Not sure what I’d say.  So for once, I’m totally not going to heed the kind words of my friends, and throw myself into a terribly tangled “stringless relationship” with this cutie.


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