You can get anything you want … and more …

I take a deep breath.  Stretch.  I’m just got off my loveseat, where I was curled so happily up with my little fuzzy man (who just knocked my drying rack over, complete with all that were on it…), digesting a great meal, digesting the end of an incredibly stressful past few weeks.  Time to let a few thoughts out.

Thursday was a big day for me.  I had an enormous presentation to give, a test that would decide the next few years of my life and my future career options…  It went terribly.  It was the worst performance I’ve ever given.  I stumbled over words, stared blankly when asked questions, repeated myself over and over, and then was told that I didn’t know how to write a proposal or make a presentation.  Ugh.  And, yet, they passed me: with the exception I need to add more to my proposal within the next two weeks.  All my friends and family said “Congratulations! We’re so proud!” But passing didn’t feel like a good thing.

I did not feel proud.  I felt ultra depressed, like I was just being pushed through the system, and I hadn’t really been worthy of passing.  Maybe I am a horrible presenter and writer (despite all my past successes I’ve had).  I know a lot of the mean things said by one individual to me may have been spurred by politics withing the group I was presenting to, but still I cried on my walk home.  I finally understand the term “tears welled up in her eyes.”  Blink, blink, blink, blink.  Then I saw the ex’s bike.  The person I use to share everything with – my best friend of the past seven years, who didn’t even know I had this exam or that I had just passed this exam.

Thoughts race: “What the fuck did the last 7 years mean to you, asshole?  Was it just for sex?  Do you not care at all about me as a person?  What did I do to have you block me from your life?  Do you think you are protecting me like this?  Are you absurdly guilty? (part of me hopes you are)  Your silence is just making me lose what little faith I have left about the person that I think you are.”  Blink, blink, blink, splash…  I went home and worked a baby quilt for a friend.  I finished it yesterday and am very proud of that, at least.

Ended the week well, however.  Lovely dinner with friends last night, and then a movie at Just Friend’s place that took my mind off of all events and made me feel a whole lot better about how awkward I am.  I spent the night cuddled up in his arms.  It was the first time either of us could really relax as all impending deadlines had been lifted for both of us.  So we slept and slept and slept, and didn’t set an alarm.  Got up reaaaaaaaallllllyyyyy late, and decided to have late brunch at the diner next store.

Which brings me to the title of the post.

“Walk right in, it’s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant.”

Only, it’s not.  There’s a front entrance, and I have no idea how close the nearest rail is anymore.  And it’s not called Alice’s.  But is a diner, and they do have a good selection.

So brunch.  Nasty, greasy diner food to hit the spot after a long, stressful week.  Me sitting across from Just Friend with a smile and shiny eyes.  Him with whipped cream on his nose from his hot chocolate.  We eat and laugh and talk, and then … who the fuck walks through the door…  “You can get anything you want…” and things you DONT want, apparently.  I dive behind the booth partition.  WHAT THE HELL.  Just Friend raises an eyebrow, and I explain that my ex just walked in.

Entrance blocked.

So, Just Friend suggests I get more coffee and maybe we stay a bit longer.  Share a banana split.  He keeps me smiling and laughing, but I can hear my ex’s loud voice and raucous laugh, and if I lean just this way … I can see his face through the booth partition lattice.  GRR.  I start to seethe.  And then start hucking creamer and jelly packets at Just Friend, because he suggested that I do that instead of huck them at the ex.  What the hell?!  I repeat: what the hell?  There are 100’s of restaurants in this area.  Why this one?  Why at this random hour?  Why when I’m having a great time?  Why always when he’s the last thing from my mind?  I hate that the reminder of him brings out these feelings.  I just want to be like: “C’est La Vie” – smile and wave and carry on, but I am still hurting and angry at him for the self-centered, hurtful way in which he ended our relationship.  So cowardly and emotionally withdrawn.  I understand people aren’t at their best when they are hurting or upset, but, seriously … people can be that bad??

I’m not sure he saw me.  I don’t care if he did.  If he did, I hope it made him feel uncomfortable.  The ex and his group left before we did.  When we left, I managed to get into my car, have the ex pull out in front of me when I turned the corner, and followed his stupid car half way home.  For the record: hate you, one way streets.

But, whatever.  I’m going to go get cutiesied up, get some free beer, and then go out with Just Friend and other friends to a show tonight at a cafe.  Just Friend knows the singer.  It should be good.

Feeling human again

Last night, I got into bed at 9 pm.  I just wanted my day to end.  I closed my eyes.  My phone rang.  Just Friend calling.

“What are you up to tonight?  Let me read minds, you said this afternoon that you were relaxing so you were hoping to come over and spend the night with me.”

I swear, I’m not making this up.  As I asked before in a previous post: “When did my life become a bad TV romance?”

Me: [Awkward laugh] Well, no but … I mean …
Him: (something along the lines of…)  Oh, wait, no that’s just me hoping you will come over and join me tonight.
Me: Ahhhhhh, well, yes, I’d like that.
Him: Everything all right?  You sound hesitant.
Me: No, it’s just … well, I’m not feeling 100% tonight.
Him: That’s okay.  We all have those days. Come over anyway.

So, I did.  And he could tell I was “out of sorts” as soon as he saw me.  But he didn’t mind.  He talked a little.  I talked a lot less.  He showed me a computer game he was playing. We marveled over the graphics.  Then he held me and kissed me.  He didn’t try to fix my problems or make me talk about what was on my mind.  It was wonderfully refreshing: just to be me and not have someone trying to analyze my mental quirks (which always made me feel worse about my imbalances).  I started to smile. Eventually I told him a little what was going on with my moodiness. Only a little.  But just enough. That I was very tired.

Just Friend was still wide awake, however, so I snuggled into his bed while he decided to wind down by playing another game with beautiful graphics in the background.  I fell asleep listening to him describing how the game worked and what his character was doing in his ridiculously cute accent.

Today, I’m smiling.  Slight melancholy, but not depressed.  I really appreciated having someone to be with last night.  I know that this is not permanent, but, then, what is in the end?  I’m enjoying what I have when I have it.

Came home to an amorous cat early this morning.  That was delightful as well.  Snuggles and purrs and little kitty nuzzles to warm up the gray, gray day.   Life is a funny little place.

Now, off to find soup!

 

 

 

 

What do I got here?

Hmmm.  Okay – so I totally didn’t end things with this dude.  We’ve been instant messaging back and forth on and off this week (even though he’s practically on the other side of the world at the moment).  So, now … what do I got here?  A friend?  A friend with “benefits”? A guy who interested in more?  He’s sending me complex messages.  And by that I mean … he’s being civil.  No, not just civil: friendly.  Eep!

And I have no idea what I want from him.  I just like the way he makes me giggly when I see his name pop up on my screen and that I get hot in my undies thinking back to making out with him.  That’s totally the way making out should be: sensual, gentle, strong, forceful at times…  Ooof!  Need a cold shower.  Actually, I really don’t want anything from him.  I just appreciate that he is who he is and that he’s interested in who I am.  If he wants to talk and spend time with me and maybe give me a little “lip service” (in the literal way) – okay, but I’m not going to bumrush into anything more.

So, what do I got here?  A boy toy?  Nah, he’s too nice for that term.  I got me some fun.  And, hellz yah, it’s about time.

I had a good laugh when I saw this pop up in the picture menu and I couldn't help myself.

A hopeless romantic with a half empty glass

My heart aches for the imaginative, the fanciful.  I yearn for the beauty of “true love” and “soul mates.”  But my glass is half empty.  And my rose-colored glasses smudged.  I’m a pessimistic optimist … or an optimistic pessimist.  I want things to turn out sparkling – but I don’t believe they will.

I find solitude romantic now.  I find broken hearts and missed connections beautifully painful.  And haunting.  I let my heart lie to my brain with giddiness – find a secret pleasure from the heat that surges between my legs at hopelessly romantic thoughts.  But in the back of these thoughts, behind the shadowy veil  …  Sits an half empty glass.  With lipstick smudging the rim.

Spring…?

Spring is coming slowly.  Too slowly.  It’s been a long, long winter here.

I feel a little lost today.  Time seems to be speeding by, and I don’t seem to be producing as much work as I have historically.  It’s like I’ve suddenly come to a screeching halt.  I haven’t sewn in weeks.  I started one little painting but it didn’t really go anywhere.  My lab bench is collecting dust.  I’ve been sitting on a presentation that I need to get out.  I put off doing chores until I run out of cups or my fridge is empty.   And I’m just waiting until the last minute to throw everything all together for April.  Sigh.

I feel like I have just binged in feel good things since January to take my mind of my hurt.  I’m surprised that I didn’t go the opposite way; usually if I’m physically sick I tend to work harder.  I guess emotional hurt takes a bit more out of me.  I’ve been sleeping, reading books, watching shows, scrolling around on the internet, sleeping more, thinking, writing …

I need some motivation or things to settle down into “normal.”  The only bad thing is: I have no idea what normal IS anymore.  I hate being perpetually in academia: people come and people go like clockwork, and no one ever stays close by.  There is no permanence.  I grew up in a tiny town where everyone knew everyone and things barely change.  Now I’m somewhere where no one knows anyone else, and every few months people leave and new people arrive.  I like the people I get to know.  I enjoy them while they are here.  But on days like this, I just would like to go to permanent friend “x’s” house and share a cup of tea.  But all I have around me are acquaintances who only know 2 years of my life, if that.  My very good friends live far away.  And I’m not great at phone calls.

The seasons are about the only thing I recognize anymore.  Yep, that there is snow … and now we got green grass and blue sky coming our way.  And mud.

I feel like I’m waiting for something.  I feel like time is rushing around me, and I’ve been forgot.  Ugh.  I am waiting for something: Spring.  I think I’m also waiting for someone…  At least I can count on Spring.

My very first casual hook-up

I had my very first casual hook-up last night.  It was quite the experience.  I got a ride home from an acquaintance after a party and invited him in for drinks.  We drank and talked and drank a little bit more and one thing led to another …  The makeout session got really hot and steamy, and, after we rolled off the sofa and on the floor, we moved to the bed.  And, at this point, I will not disclose any more details because I sincerely believe that all ladies should have some secrets and that the term “hook-up” should remain an ambiguous definition.  But I will say that we fell sleep next to each other with smiles on both our faces.

As I’ve heard from friends that these things can become awkward if not openly talked about – I decided to perform some “damage control,” later this day — that is to say, I let the gentleman know that, while I did enjoy the evening immensely, this was a one time thing because I’m really not ready for another relationship, and that I hope we can continue to hang out together as friends.  I think he was relieved to hear that and seemed happy I was so upfront and honest about the whole situation.  (I didn’t want to tell anyone from around here but I HAD to tell one of my girl friends in person – this is all very foreign to me, and I was freaking out a little).  I had her tell him personally that the hook-up would remain silent with her as he was worried people would find out and think that he “took advantage of me” – as most everyone knows about my recent breakup.

Overall, it was a fantastic sexual experience with a fun and kind gentleman.  I was sexually frustrated and wanted some action but, I think more than that, I wanted to know that I was still sexy, and was still capable of doing “stuff.”  Oddly, I don’t feel sluttly or ashamed like I was worried that I might in the back of my head whilst indulging in sinful pleasures.

I feel strong, happy, and confident.  But I’m definitely not going to make a habit of this.  In fact, I doubt I’ll ever that again … but I’m glad I did it just this once.

 

 

Angry Day

I had an Angry Day today.

I woke up angry.

I huffed to work angry.

I furiously did work.

I stomped home.

I cried.  My cat purred and then bit my face.  Damn it, kitty, no bites!

I got in my car and drove to a bookstore to leaf through pages on breaking up and moving on and rebuilding just to discover the books didn’t have anything novel in them that would change my world or my past.  So I got back in my car and cried some more on the way home.  And I then I just accepted that today was an Angry Day and painted and played fetch with the cat.

My cat has learned to play fetch.  It’s nice until it gets annoying.  Then when I don’t pay attention to him, he climbs in the bathroom sink and removes the stopper.  (The stopper is now hidden).  Or he catapults himself off the top of my rocking chair and takes the chair with him.  The cat is sure a distraction.

Time goes gently by.  My counselor said it’s okay to still feel sad, that’s is okay I’m sleeping more than I should for now, that’s it’s okay to be angry and confused and hurt, and just to let myself feel those things.  To say, “I hurt.”

I hurt.

...and then this image came up and made me laugh...

I got the blues

Sigh.  I only write when I’m feeling down.

It’s a common problem that has plagued my journaling since I was in middle school.  I look back and go “damn, I was so depressed!”  But when I’m feeling good and enjoying things, I don’t write.  So I don’t have those good memories to go back to on paper.  This past week was, overall, very good to me.  I got together with a new friend (male) Sunday night.  He came over for dinner.  I think he may be interested in me.  But it’s just not there for me.  It’s too soon.  My relativity old friend (also male) came over Tuesday for dinner and movie – we’ve been doing that for a good year now.  He’s so wonderful.  I wish I was interested in him.  But it’s just not there for me.

I’ve been filling my time with enjoyable things lately.  I had my pilates classes Monday and Wednesday.  Tonight I skipped ballroom for a student social which had a pathetic turn out.  Work has been busy, so I’ve been tired when I’ve finally got home. I’m enjoying my new furry friend.  It’s rewarding to have a face to go home to at night.  Although I had to pick him off the shower curtain just two sentences ago because he is not so understanding about when I come home and get on the computer and don’t spend every waking minute with him frolicked.

My life, overall, is very rewarding and full of wonderful people and things.  So, I don’t know why I’ve got the blues tonight.

But I do.

I miss my best friend of the last seven years.

I miss him so much.

 

 

“But for now, I’m satisfied.”

I uttered those words today in front of my psychiatrist.  I had to stop in because he needed to write me a new prescription.  We had upped my antidepressant dose about a month ago and he wanted to see how things had been going.  And, honestly, while I have been sad and angry and disappointed, for the first time in my life, I haven’t been depressed.  It’s really amazing.  I’m actually experiencing what it’s like to be … satisfied …  content … ? … woah.

He had asked me about how my academic career was going.  I mentioned that if the right job came along, I wouldn’t have any qualms in leaving my program for it and opting out with a masters, but that wasn’t what was preoccupying my mind.  “But for now, I’m satisfied.”  Then I sat there looking stunned.  “I’m satisfied…  I don’t think I’ve ever said those words before.”  He laughed.  But he has no idea how true that is.  The restless, anxious soul in me is calming.  I’ll still blare Black Label’s Society “Bored to Tears,” and sing along, but it’s not quite the same now: “Tired of this, done with that, never satisfied with where I’m at…”  But right now, for the first time ever, I am satisfied.  I can be satisfied.  I mean, there are things I’d like still to do and things I want, but it’s different now.

I’m starting to enjoy just drawing for drawing…  Not because I need to fill the void, stop the restless mind from running.  I’m learning how to let go.  I find myself wanting a cup of tea and to watch a show.  And, not feel bad that I’m just relaxing and not working on something, I’ll do it.  And it’s … enjoyable.  I’m … enjoying ? it ?  Is it weird that I feel that this is weird.  I’ve always just done things to past time or because others were doing it.  I hardly ever heard my mind go, “hey, let’s do THIS, because I bet THAT would feel good!”  Now, don’t get me wrong, there have always been are particular things I like and make me happy, but when they are through, I’ve hardly ever been content that I’ve had the experiences.  Now, I’m experiencing a new sensation: being satisfied.

I think I’ll take this smile with me to bed.

Chillin’ with the Godless

So, I joined this Agnostic and Atheist community in January.  We had another get-together at one of my favorite coffee shops tonight.  I went and had some of the place’s awesome banana bread and raspberry white tea.  Let me just say — hanging out with that group for 2.5 hours, sipping tea, talking, laughing …  makes me happier and so much more full of hope then all of the hours I spent in church growing up.  There is such a real quality about this community.  They genuinely care about humanity.  They come from all walks of life and all different backgrounds.  It’s amazing.  Everyone wants to learn and everyone wants to share what they know.  Everyone is inspired by the world and each other’s lives: it’s beautiful.

I talked for a long time with a black guy who came from South Africa.  Both of his parents are dead.  His mother died of Ebola while working for the UN in the Congo.  He dealt with the hate and violence of Apartheid growing up.  He’s watched five year olds eat out of trash cans.  He was fortunate to be from a wealthy family, come to America, and is now studying biology.  He’s an Atheist, despite his roots in a strong Christian background.  It astounded me that he could face all of that suffering and then abandon his religious roots.  And he wasn’t a negative person.  It wasn’t “my mother died of a virus and people starve and hate – therefore there is no God!”  It was: “my mother died of a virus, I’m sad she’s gone but I’m happy about the time we had together,” “people starve, struggles for power happen, and ignorance is rampant:  I want to help change that.”  He had come to the conclusion that belief in a supernatural was not important to what dictated good deeds; that spending time on rationality and logic and reason could do more than all of the hours he spent praying.  So he has dedicated his time to education, especially science.  He was so happy with what he had and the ability to learn and want to give back to humanity despite all of the negative things that had happened in his life.  It was inspiring.

Tonight I felt normal.  I found myself drawing others into conversation, listening, making people laugh, laughing …  I was out-going and warm and fun.  It felt wonderful.  I’m glad I went.  It feels good to express my ideas on ideology openly for once.  I have been very uncomfortable with my growing atheism, coming from such a strong Catholic upbringing.  This group is helping me freely admit that I embrace Humanism and that I don’t believe in an all-powerful god.  I don’t care for belief in supernatural systems.  I do, however, have an amazing appreciation for the world around me, the people around me.  It’s so beautiful.  Evolution is fascinating.  To think that we came to be how we are today and be able to think these thoughts, after so many extinctions, hurtling all those evolutionary dead ends.  Sure, I cannot conceive the vastness of the universe, the concept of time, what happens to me when I die, but I am so happy to be alive and to think what I can think about — to learn about how things work and enjoy the sensations I feel and see.  To think that I can walk and talk because of billions of years of genetic oops-es and selective pressures pushing organisms to adapt to their ever-changing environment…  That is far more awe inspiring and numinous then one divine creator up there pushing buttons.  How lucky I am.  And I want to do whatever I can with my education and ability to connect people and teach, I want to do whatever I can with all of the talents I posses – so as many people as possible can have the luxury to enjoy these feelings and realizations as well.

"The world and the universe is an extremely beautiful place, and the more we understand about it the more beautiful does it appear." — Richard Dawkins

Oh, and Atheists have a fantastic sense of humor: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/Home_Page.html