So, about a month ago, I sat down and started this blog. I was in a Bad Way. Tears, snot, boo-hooing and all that jazz. Fast forward to today. How am I? Still desperately in love with the man who dumped me, but growing so strong on my own and recognizing what went wrong and being determined NOT to fall into the same manholes in the future. I haven’t talked to my ex in over one month. Not really talked, at least. I’ve sent a few snippets of information to him via email that had nothing to do with me. But he has no idea how I am, and I have no idea how he is. Although I do wonder. I wonder lots … So, how am I? Note last post (still freakin’ awesome).
I think my choice to join Ballroom Dance is a physical representation of taking on my fears and self-doubts. I do NOT think of myself as graceful by any means. I’ve had to dance in a few plays and they always hid me in the back if they could or stupefied the moves for me. I have no intuition of rhythm. I don’t know my left from my right. And I’m really bad at following direction – verbal or physical. So, taking this dance class is an amazing challenge. Last week, I almost broke out crying and ran out of the room. This week, however, I started to GET it. I started to focus and be patient and have fun and ask for the guy to go through things slowly with me before the music started.
Likewise, I recently read about “codependency” in relationships, and the thoughts, habits, and mannerisms of codependent people — and a light bulb went off in my head. I realized that was ME. I had those thoughts, those habits, those mannerisms. I am a freakin’ codependent. Like, in ALL my relationships but especially close relationships. Oof. And in being a codependent, I enabled my ex’s narcissistic traits. Yikes! I sat reading through what I could find and felt mildly uncomfortable. However, I was also SO HAPPY as I read and realized –BAM!– that’s where things went wrong. And, damn, I have to be careful and train my thinking differently or else I will just fall into that mindset again and again when I fall in love with someone.
But I think the counseling I’ve had (and have) is really starting to make more sense to me. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I haven’t focused this much on me in … ever? I want to call up my ex and tell him all this. Tell him all the revelations I’m having and share with him my excitement. I don’t want him sitting somewhere and worrying about what he’s “done” to me or if he can ever contact me again. I want to show him how much I’ve learned and thought about and realized. I hope he’s been doing the same kind of growing on his own.
Maybe our paths will cross again someday. Until then, I’m going to keep doing my thang. And it’s pretty fun.
threemonthsofme 