The Darkness

The Darkness still finds me from time to time, even on antidepressants.  It follows its path and comes when my hormones surge once a month.  I think it’s harder to deal with now, now that I’ve started to know what it’s like to live without it.  I feel myself sinking into the dark shadows of my mind.  I can think “Ugh, I’m depressed.”  But it doesn’t make it better.

Today was one of those days.  I feel blah.  I feel down.  And I shouldn’t.  I finished a huge presentation that I have to give Thursday and gave a run through: falling perfectly into the allotted time.  I got the last cheese danish at the library cafe.  And it was free cone day!  And I didn’t even have to go stand in line alone.  Just Friend joined me. I got invited out Saturday night by a friend while eating said free cone.  I took the afternoon off to relax and catch up on chores.  The evening: crafting with my ladies and a couple glasses of wine.  I mean, what is there not to like about this day?

But all day … in the recesses of my soul: The Darkness.  I’m not good enough.  I’m just being used for the things I can contribute – not who I am.  I’m ugly.  I don’t know what to make of my breakup.  I miss my ex.  I’m angry and sad at our breakup and the loss of his friendship.  But maybe he was never my friend.  Maybe I did something stupid and I’m to blame.  Ugh, I’m worthless.  My work isn’t good enough.  People laugh at me behind my back.  What a waste of space and time.  I want to call someone.  But I don’t because I don’t want to plague people with my neediness and have them see me like this.  Ugly, stupid, listening to these falsities.  But they aren’t falsities when I’m like this.  It’s all very real.

Living with depression sucks.  It sucks even more when you become cognitive of the fact you have depression.

Compassion

Today was another rollercoaster.  I went to see my counselor this morning and sat down and burst into tears.  “I miss him so much,” I said.  The good thing, I guess, about going to a school with a high suicide rate is that they have a fanatic counseling center.  And I’m very glad that I’ve taken advantage of the service.  It’s literally turned my life around.  “It’s okay to cry,” she said.  “You lost someone who was very important to you.”  I went on to talk about how stupid I feel for feeling sorry for myself, for having lost my appetite for so long and losing so much weight, how I feel confused that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or who I’m doing it for. That I want to throw myself pleading at my ex and say I will do anything to fix this, and that I HATE that I want to do that.  She nodded.  “You’re human.  And it’s okay to have all of these feelings.”

*sniffle*

I am working on compassion.  To say, “it’s okay that I feel down,” to be okay with the fact I have emotions.  I’m not sure why I am so apologetic or ashamed for having them.  I’m learning to accept me; who I am and the things I do or think.  The session was helpful.  She thought that removing contact for a while was a good thing as it seems to upset me when I’ve made contact but to not beat myself up if I find myself trying again.  I walked out accepting that I will have “bad” days and with the reminder from a professional that I am doing well and dealing in a healthy manner with this sudden unsettling in my life.

This evening turned my spirits around.  I went to my friend’s for craft group.  She has two new crazy roommates – a drop-dead gorgeous student from India who is an ammmmmmazing artist and a 53 year old nurse who is starting over (yet again) but seems like she’s only 30.  Along with my friend from campus, the five of us had a great time.  Pizza, beer, and then some knitting and cribbage and cards, and talking about life and places and people.  It was loud and rowdy and full of laughs and dreams of futures to be: skiing, guitar lessons, quilting, and going to listen to musicians at this particular coffee shop.

So, I go.  Tomorrow’s already Thursday.